The Contradiction Between Love and Perfectionism in Eating Disorders

The last few posts reviewed some central parts of the psychological underpinnings of an eating disorder and, accordingly, aspects of treatment that help people fully recover. Finding purpose, self-worth and a philosophy to make life meaningful are true antidotes to perfectionism, self-hatred and purposelessness.

At the time, I was very clear about how people with eating disorders often felt unlovable but was unsure as to how to couple this experience more fully with recovery.

In the last two decades, the pressures on women grave grown and changed in ways that have been instrumental in the explosion in the incidence of eating disorders. The contradictory messages of being both extraordinary and mediocre, perfect and one of the group, exemplary and also humble easily conform to perfectionism around food, body and weight. These impossible expectations both in their behaviors and in their food and bodies for women fit neatly into the paradigm of traits that create an eating disorder.

What underlies these impossible expectations is the feeling of never being good enough at anything—a tenet of the thought process of an eating disorder. In addition, never feeling allowed to reach a reasonable goal translates into never feeling lovable or worth loving. If love demands perfection, then no love ever seems reasonable or deserved. Love needs to reflect the feeling of being good enough, not being perfect, just as recovery implies doing well enough both with food and in life.

The learning process of understanding love distinct from perfection starts in therapy. Someone in the throes of an eating disorder and the concomitant perfectionism can’t see outside that bubble. Therapy that balances the idea of love for who you are instead of what you accomplish or what you represent can change the fundamental idea of what love is and is a key to recovery.