What “Getting It” Really Means?

A common concern for people in recovery from an eating disorder is that clinicians, family or friends “get it.” People in treatment understand what this means implicitly and are often frustrated with those in their lives who don’t get it. But it’s often difficult to explain exactly what this term means and sometimes those in recovery feel misunderstood even by having to explain the term in the first place.

There are few other illnesses for which understanding the experience is so central to providing support.

The core reason for this unique component to eating disorders is the fact that the internal logic of an eating disorder is so unintuitive, confusing and often shameful. Eating meals is a basic function of human life. We are all born with the unconscious drive to eat because it’s synonymous with survival. Hunger is a sensation even babies are keenly aware of and it can take over our conscious wishes when it gets too strong. Hunger is tied to our most primal instincts.

Eating disorders by definition lead people to ignore hunger cues and eat instead based on the rules of the eating disorder. The urge to restrict food, lose weight, eat to excess or intentionally purge food makes no sense to those who don’t have an eating disorder.

Eating is a basic human need. Thus, an uninformed person will often suggest someone with an eating disorder should just “have a milkshake” or just eat “normally” as if a simple suggestion about eating will just solve the problem. Nothing makes someone with an eating disorder feel less understood and more alone.

In order to “get it,” a person without an eating disorder needs to understand that all typical thoughts about food and weight are not relevant. They need to start over and realize that the eating disorder provides a completely different framework to approach food.

There are many other basic assumptions of an eating disorder that differ completely from typical eating: food is scary; eating needs to be prescribed and limited; you don’t need food; you’ll just purge anyway; I need to lose weight no matter what, and I might as well just binge now. The list of these assumptions is very long and replaces all other thoughts about food for someone with an eating disorder.

In the end, recovery necessitates identifying all these underlying thoughts, combatting them with one’s newly formed thoughts about food and well being and constantly trying to replace the disordered thoughts with a new way to approach food and life. This internal battle takes months or years to lead to full recovery and is really what “getting it” is all about.

So supporting someone with an eating disorder means listening and learning about how an eating disorder works. That approach of openness and the willingness to learn opens the door to “getting it.” Nothing will help the person in recovery feel more understood and supported and that’s what matters most.